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- Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best
patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my
operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside
is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians!
Everything inside them is color coded."
The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are
the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."
The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction
workers...those guys always understand when you have a few parts
left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you
said it would."
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're
all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's
no guts, no heart, and no spine, and the head and butt are interchangeable."
- Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when
they see a beautiful, enticing, female Standard Pomeranian.
The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to
be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of
her at the same time. The males are speechless before her beauty,
slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her
in
return. Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three
suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them "The first
one who can use the words "liver" and "cheese"
together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with
me." The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and
says, "I love liver and cheese." "Oh, how childish,"
said the Pom. "That shows no imagination or intelligence
whatsoever." She turned to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever
and said, "How well can you do? "Um -- I HATE liver
and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever. "My, my,"
said the Pom. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb
as the Lab's sentence." She then turns to the last of the
three dogs and says,
"How about you, little guy?" The last of the three,
tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell
Chihuahua. He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden
Retriever and the Lab and says ... ... "Liver alone...cheese
mine."
- A farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with
plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields were
grown over with weeds, the farmhouse was falling apart, and the
fences were broken down. During his first day of work, the town
preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May
you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!"
A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the
farmer. Lo and behold, it's a completely different place. The
farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition,
there is plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching
on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops
planted
in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look
what God and you have accomplished together!" "Yes,
reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the
farm was like when God was working it alone!"
- Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After
a good meal and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night
and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged
his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?", Holmes asked. Watson pondered
for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are
millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically,
I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that
the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically,
I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and
insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have
a beautiful day tomorrow. Why, what does it tell YOU?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you
idiot. Some jerk has stolen our tent."
- A keen Texas lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department
store. The store was the biggest in the world and sold everything
under the sun. "Have you ever been a salesman before?"
the boss asked during his interview.
"Yes, I was a salesman in Texas," the lad answered.
The boss took an immediate liking to him and told him he could
start the next day. "I'll come and see how you made out
after we close up," the boss said.
The day was long and hard for the young man, but finally it was
5 o'clock. The boss closed up the store and found the lad sitting,
slumped and exhausted, in a chair.
"How many sales did you make today?" the boss asked.
"One," said the lad.
"One?" said the boss, obviously displeased. "Most
of the sales people on my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How
much was the sale worth?"
"Exactly $101,334.53," said the young man.
"How did you manage that?" asked the boss, flabbergasted.
"Well," said the lad, "this man came in and I
sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook, and finally
a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a
medium one, and huge one. I asked him where he was going fishing,
and he said he was going down the coast. I said he'd probably
need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold
him that fancy 22-foot Chris Craft with twin engines. Then he
said his Honda Civic probably wouldn't be able to handle the
load, so I took him to the vehicle department and sold him a
new GMC 1-ton pickup truck."
"You sold all that to guy who came in for a fish hook?"
the boss asked in astonishment.
"He didn't come in to buy a fish hook," the Texas boy
explained. "He came in to buy a box of tampons for his wife,
and I said to him, 'Your weekend's shot. You might as well go
fishing.' "
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